I know “can’t” is a four-letter word. I’ve counted the letters.

There are a lot of … that lead me to say “I can’t.” The worst is anticipatory anxiety.

I have been dealing with anticipatory anxiety quite a bit the past few months. I won’t go into the reasons, but this week especially had my brain racing. It could’ve won a marathon.

I was mostly thinking about my high school reunion, which was yesterday. Which I didn’t go to. Which I’m OK with, but there is a part of me that is mad at myself because as much as I want to go and enjoy my life, there is something that is stopping me. I know that something is my thought process, but it is frustrating just the same.

I was having what seemed like nonstop panic attacks the past couple weeks. And then I went to trivia night on Wednesday and the chest pains started. They lasted pretty late into the night. I became even more anxious because what if I had chest pains while I was in Houston? What if I was too nervous to do anything? Would I be able to make it through the night at Lee’s parents’ house? What about the drive home?

On Thursday I felt worse. While I was at work and concentrating on something other than my worries, I was alright. But as soon as I got home, the fear started rising again. I asked Lee that night if he was OK with not going to the reunion. He said he was, but he asked me, “Are YOU ok?” And you know what? I was. I was OK with saying, “I can’t go. I just can’t.”

There are just some things that I can’t do. I’m not saying I will never go to Houston again. Nor am I saying that I won’t attend another high school reunion. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to make it to the next one. All I know is that right now, there are too many things going on in my life that I need to take care of here.

I’m grateful for Facebook because I have been able to get back in touch with my high school friends. So even though I wasn’t there in person, I’m still able to find out what is going on in my friends’ lives.

But for now, I’m going to take care of myself and take it one day at a time. I know that I wrote in my last post that I would go even if I felt like it would kill me, but I came to the conclusion that I need to play it a bit safe right now. Too much anticipation, even unwarranted, is not good for my soul.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Gwen
    Aug 15, 2011 @ 01:16:55

    Merrie! taking care of yourself is the most important part! super big hug!


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