Panic Across the Pond

Last year, my stepmother said that her wish for her 60th birthday (which is in June) would be for L and me to come to see her and Dad. Initially, we said yes because we hadn’t seen them in a year and 60 is a milestone.

L and I talked about it more and more, and decided that we should go earlier so that it wouldn’t be so hot and the flowers would be in bloom, etc. We finally decided to go in April.

Here’s the thing, though. My dad and stepmother? They live in the Netherlands.

I’ve been there twice. Once in 2000 and the second time in 2005. So it’s definitely been a while. And both times ended up being wonderful. I got to go to London the second time around and fell in love with the city.

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So I should feel fine about this, right?

I am not. I have been a wreck since we bought the tickets…in FEBRUARY.

I remember the first time I had a panic attack on a plane. I was in a window seat, sitting next to two very nice older gentlemen. All of a sudden, I felt this anxiety wash over me, and the man sitting next to me said, “You look green.”

Luckily, I didn’t need the air sick bag, but I never wanted to go on a plane again. And that was a problem because at the time, my dad lived in upstate New York, and Mom and I lived in Houston. I think other than those necessary arrangements, I didn’t step on a plane again.

That changed in 2000 when I finally figured out that depression medication would be the only saving point for me. The first one that worked was Effexor, and after taking it for a few days, I began to feel like I could do ANYTHING. In fact, just a few weeks later, I drove to Dallas from Huntsville for the first time. It was scary, but invigorating.

That’s when Dad started putting the idea of going to visit Holland. He actually flew to Houston so that he could make the trip with me. I am grateful, because I honestly don’t know whether I could have done it on my own. And since it was pre-9/11, people could sit with you at the gate. My mom came and brought me what I call my “comfort bear,” which sits on my desk to this very day and comes with me in any situations where I feel anxious: surgery, doctor and dental appointments, etc.

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But I digress. The fact that I haven’t been able to sleep at night and (when I don’t have a deadline, of course) sleep the whole day is unsettling. I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.

I am the heaviest I’ve ever been, and that’s heavier than the last time I saw my father. He was extremely upset at how much weight I had gained, and I don’t want to show him how I look now.

I can’t change much of that now. Because the reality is, we leave in less than TWO WEEKS. I’ll do my best to take walks, but I know that I may be in agony quite a bit and that scares me.

What I NEED to focus on is the benefits of this trip. This is the honeymoon that L and I have never had. We’ve been married for 7 years, but we’ve really never had the time or the money to go anyplace exotic.

This will be L’s first trip out of the States. I know he’s nervous, but he’s loading up his laptop with many…many computer games that should keep him occupied.

I’ve already started a list of what I’m going to take on the plane: coloring books, knitting, etc. I am hoping that the Zofran and Xanax will make the ride go smooth.

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Come April 21, we’ll be on our way…whether I’m ready or not.

 

 

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Colorado

I looked at my blog a couple of days ago, and realized that I haven’t written anything in three years.

Three years.

I guess I could say that the first year didn’t give me much to write about, but I can’t say that about this past year. It’s been full of adventure.

Why? Because my husband and I packed our bags and moved to Colorado in April. After living in Texas for almost 40 years, we decided that we wanted new scenery. The mountains definitely provide that.IMG_1187

We got the bug in 2013 and decided to visit Colorado just to make sure it was where we wanted to live, and we fell in love. We traveled there in October, and the snow was falling. It was beautiful and magical. We knew that’s where we wanted to be.

We put our house on the market in March 2014. It sold in two days. Everything was falling into place. This move was meant to be.

We’ve been in Colorado for almost a year, and I now believe I’ll never get used to seeing the mountains outside our home.

There have been plenty of adventures since then, but that’s for another post at another time.

Too Many Thoughts

It’s almost midnight, and I’m not focused. I don’t know what to write about. My head is filled with thoughts that tumble around like clothes in a dryer, sometimes sticking together. Over and over. Sometimes I don’t mind it, but other times, like tonight, they are all screaming at me and won’t quiet down.

I wish they would let me sleep.

Home Sweet Home

It’s been four years since we moved into the house we live in now.

We had looked at a few places, but they were either too far from work, too expensive, or needed too many repairs. So, we decided to look into buying a new home. Or, rather, have one built.

It was an exciting process. First, we picked the lot. And then, we got to pick everything else, from “Brick or Stone?” to “Almond or Antique White?” to “Fireplace or No Fireplace?”.

It was fun choosing fixtures and granite and whatnot, and seeing how it all came together.

Floor tile for the house; tile backsplash, granite, and cabinet choices for the kitchen.

The biggest surprise for us was that the tile backsplash. We originally thought it was going to only be the one color. When we came to see the progress, we were pleasantly surprised that wasn’t the case.

Everywhere I look, I see what we (somewhat) designed. I love it. But I knew I had to do something else for the house to become our home.

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So I drew our initials in wet concrete.

The Physical Toll of Anxiety

This past week has been brutal for me, emotionally and physically.

Emotionally I’ve been sailing on choppy waves. There’s been a reprieve between rocking and rolling, but barely.

What always surprises me, though, is how anxiety can take such a physical toll. Before my trip to see Dad, I couldn’t sleep, I was weepy, and I was constantly grinding my teeth.

Last night, after we got home, I crashed. Because I no longer felt like I had to be on guard, my body just kind of…gave up. I ended up going to bed at 9 p.m. and slept until 9 this morning.

Today, I still feel rundown. I got out of the house to run some errands, but for the most part I was tired, and my body hurt all over. I don’t think I’m coming down with anything. It’s just that I’m not in “fight or flight” mode, like I have been for the past week.

It seems like the more I let myself get worked up over something, the worse I feel afterward.

I hope I can work on reducing anticipatory anxiety so that I can feel energized, rather than exhausted, and be able to enjoy more that life has to offer.

What…Me Worry?

I am exhausted.

I had built up so much anticipation, and was so tense, so sure that I was going to have to keep my guard up.

And then, my dad hugged me.

Everyone else greeted me with open arms as well, and it was the nicest time spent with family that anyone could ever hope for.

I would write more, but I am ready for a nap.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

What Are You Thankful For?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Usually at dinner, people often take turns saying what he or she is thankful for.

This year, I decided to participate in the 30 Days of Gratitude project. Being a part of this project has left me pleasantly surprised. Each day reaffirms that there are so many reasons to be thankful! I hope you’ll let me know what you’re thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

30 Days of Gratitude (through November 21)

Day 1: I am so grateful for my husband, Lee. Never have I met a more loving, caring, supportive individual. Not a day goes by that I don’t say “thank you” to the Universe for bringing him into my life. I am truly blessed.

Day 2: I am grateful for Facebook. I have reconnected with a lot of friends who I haven’t seen or talked to for years (hello, Penfield and CCHS!). Facebook has given me the pleasure of reconnecting with my mom’s side of the family (All Hail the Romaines!). Even though we live miles away from one another, I feel closer to you than ever. I miss you all so much.

Day 3: I am grateful for comedians. I worship them. I listen to their podcasts. I try to go see them perform as much as possible. Because no matter what my problems are, no matter how anxious I feel, comedians provide me with a diversion. I thrive on laughter, and I am grateful because they make me laugh.

Day 4: I am grateful for lazy days. Other than taking Blue to the vet this morning (she’s in excellent health, yay!), I did nothing. And it was wonderful. 🙂

Day 5: I am grateful for organizations such as Austin Pets Alive that save worthwhile animals who would otherwise be euthanized because of overcrowding. If it wasn’t for APA!, we wouldn’t have met Blue or Buddy, who are wonderful companions.

Day 6: I am grateful for the freedom to choose. I voted last week, and to be able to exercise my right as a citizen and choose who I think is the best person for the job made me feel powerful.

Day 7: I am grateful for curiosity and the way it nudges me to try something new. Because of curiosity, I’ve volunteered at a wildlife sanctuary, ushered at an ice-skating competition, and learned to knit and spin my own yarn.

Day 8: I am grateful for knitting. It satisfies both sides of my brain. My left side loves following the patterns and seeing how every stitch fits together like a puzzle. The right side is enamored with the colors and textures of the yarn. And in the end, I have something tangible. What a wonderful outcome!

Day 9: I am grateful for Bob Ross. Trees and clouds look a whole lot different to me because of him.

Day 10: I am grateful for antidepressants. Before I started taking them in 2000, I couldn’t drive more than 5 miles from my apartment. Three weeks later, I was able to drive three hours to Dallas. I’m not always on an even keel, but they have definitely changed my life for the better.

Day 11: I am thankful for my cousin Scott, and all the men and women who have fought for our country. I salute you!

Day 12: I am grateful for sleep and the restoration I feel after some worthwhile shut-eye.

Day 13: I am grateful for cold weather so I can wear my handknit hat and scarf!

Day 14: I am grateful to be able to work from home most days and walk our dogs at lunch. Buddy, in particular, is serious about his walks.

Day 15: I am grateful for flexibility. I believe that being flexible is one of the keys to a happy life. I always try to have a Plan A and a Plan B, so that if something comes up, I’m not stressed out about it. It has definitely helped me in many situations.

Day 16: I am grateful for my mom. She’s always been supportive of me, she’s fun to hang out with, and she is very generous. If it wasn’t for her, I would not have been able to try freelancing. Thank you, Mom, for everything. I love you!

Day 17: I am grateful for the technology in my car that reminds me when it needs to be serviced. It even lets me know what should be done! So today, the Fit and I are going to Sears to get its oil changed and tires rotated. Thank you, Fit!

Day 18: I am grateful for books. While I’m happy to have a Nook, there’s nothing like the real thing. The *swish* when turning a page and the *crack* of a book’s spine. The intoxicating aroma of fresh ink on paper. Books are the perfect companion on any day.

Day 19: I am grateful to be an aunt. My ex-husband was also an only child, so I didn’t know what I was missing. I love my nieces and nephew. They are smart, funny, and talented. And they live in Austin! Hearing them call me “Aunt Merrie” truly brightens my day.

Day 20: I am grateful to be alive. Yes, there are bouts of depression and anxiety. But I truly have a great life and am glad that I am able to experience with all my senses everything life has to offer.

Day 21: I am grateful for recipes that have been passed down from parents and grandparents. Not only are the baked goods delicious, my mind is flooded with wonderful memories of making them with my family and friends.

 

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