Bedtime

Today’s prompt from BlogHer:

What is the last thing you do before going to bed?

After I go through the normal routine of brushing my teeth, etc., I crawl into bed with the iPad. For some reason, puzzle games are relaxing to me and I’m not awake for very long.

There are even some nights when I don’t remember what I did in the game the night before. That’s where walkthroughs are great!

What’s the last part of your bedroom routine?

 

Tired

I started my new job today, and even though I wasn’t too busy I was still very nervous.

I know that the medication I’m taking is working for depression, but my anxiety is through the roof. I’m trying to train my brain to exist in the present, but I keep getting lost in the future.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I know that my anxiety and frantic thoughts will pass, but it’s taking too long.

Muppets Everywhere

We went to see The Muppets today.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but everyone I know said that the movie was wonderful. After seeing it, I agree.

I loved the music, the story, and the nostalgic references.

When I got home, I had to pull out my own Muppet. Lee bought me the kit from FAO Schwarz a couple years ago.

Don’t we look alike?

Spending Time with Myself

Yesterday I wrote about whether I would rather be alone or be with other people. I said that I didn’t want to be a hermit, that I wanted to be around people.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t like going places by myself. There are times when I will leave the house alone and go to a movie or treat myself to a meal.

This past year I went to two baseball games. I traveled to the stadium, bought my ticket, got a hot dog and a Coke, and settled in my seat. Both times I went on a Friday, so after each game I got to see fireworks.

I didn’t focus on the game the whole time. I brought knitting with me to keep busy.

 

I had a great time.

I wish Lee could’ve gone with me, but being able to enjoy my own company is probably one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive.

I’m glad I like myself. Maybe me, myself, and I should make baseball games a tradition.

My Favorite Place

A prompt from BlogHer:

Describe a favorite place. Focus on how that place affects your sense of taste, touch, sight, sound, or smell. (Guest Post by Adrienne McDonnell, author of The Doctor and the Diva)

When I was going to a hypnotherapist, I was told to envision my favorite place. I imagined an open field with a picnic and Lee waiting for me. A light breeze flowed through my hair and the skirt of my dress. The grass felt like feathers beneath my feet. The vision made me feel calm.

We have a little bit of an oasis in our backyard. It’s not finished, but Lee’s vision is coming together. The best part is our backyard faces a greenbelt, so there will be never be anyone behind us.

A blank slate

There is a lot of wildlife that hangs around. We’ve seen all sorts of hawks, skunks, mice, and even a roadrunner.

One of these days, we’ll have that picnic. And it will be even better than I imagined.

To be or not to be…alone?

Today’s prompt from BlogHer:

Do you enjoy being alone? Would you rather be around other people?

I used to think that my agoraphobia meant that I HAD to be alone. That I couldn’t stand to be around other people. I thought that, if I ever married, my husband and I would have to live in two houses next to each other so I could sleep alone at night.

And when I feel sick, even if it’s anxiety-related, I want to be by myself.

But I’m learning to handle things a bit better around people. Because, truly, I don’t want to be alone.

I mean, I like “me” time as much as the next person. But while I used to want to go solo, I don’t anymore. I think it’s because of the wonderful friends I’ve met, including my husband. I love being around them.

 

This One’s About Pie

Normally I would be writing about agoraphobia. But not today. Today I’m writing about pie.

Today the kitchen is filled with the aromas of various pies that Lee is making, namely pumpkin, tomato, and Kentucky Derby.

I didn’t know what a Derby pie was. Lee explained that it had pecans and chocolate chips. I was sold.

Derby Pie

The pumpkin pie is also known as “booze pie” because there’s whiskey in the recipe.

And the tomato pie? A cross between a margherita pizza and a quiche. So, so good!

Mmmm…pie.

My Last Trip to Houston

When I was in college, before MySpace or Facebook, there were bulletin boards. I don’t remember how I found out about them, but I decided one day to set up a profile.

My profile name? Eros Turannos.

I had just read the poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson in my poetry class and thought it would be a good username.

What I didn’t realize, because I was very naive, was that men stopped at “Eros” and immediately thought I was promiscuous. It was annoying and upsetting.

However, I did meet a few people online who were nice, and one who I thought hung the moon.

His name was Mike, and he lived in another state. Our first phone call lasted several hours. We found that we had the same sense of humor, liked the same books, and were in sync on many things.

He wanted to come visit me, but I couldn’t go through with it. I was too nervous. As much as I liked Mike, I was still an agoraphobic. Even if I didn’t really know it yet.

Mike decided to visit another bulletin-board friend and ended up having a layover in Houston. He asked me if I would come see him at the airport. This was before 9/11, so I would be able to meet him at the gate.

I said I would, but it took a heck of a time to get to Houston Intercontinental. I was so nervous and turned around to go back to Huntsville at least three times.

When I finally got there, I had to run to the gate. I recognized him immediately. He was sitting reading Jurassic Park and was wearing the fluorescent orange hat he told me to look for.

We had only a few minutes to say hello in person for the first time. There was already a boarding call announced. We quickly kissed and then he was gone. Our relationship, whatever it was, didn’t last, but that moment stands out in my mind.

I didn’t travel to Houston for several years after that whirlwind trip. But the fact that I had made it to Houston and back was an accomplishment, and that was all that mattered.

Passion

Today’s blog prompt from BlogHer:

The Business of Being Born is a passion project that has been fulfilling on many levels. Are you pursuing a passion project? (Guest Post by Ricki Lake, who can be found on Facebook or Twitter @RickiLakeShow)

For years I’ve had hobbies, but I’ve never really been passionate about anything. I’ve taken piano lessons, dabbled in drawing and painting, but nothing has quite captured my attention like yarn.

I haven’t learned how to crochet, but I’ve learned how to knit, dye, and spin yarn. I love all the colors and textures. I could get lost in a yarn store.

It was only about a year and a half ago that I learned how to spin and dye. Ever since, I have thought about selling what I make. Last year I started to make that dream come true at the company’s holiday craft fair. We didn’t sell much, but we sold something. It was a wonderful feeling.

Scarf made by a friend from my yarn

I have gotten a lot of compliments about the yarn that Lee and I create, and that makes me want to sell yarn even more.

We’ve bought several pounds of fiber and I’m working on dyeing and spinning it all. It’s slow going, but I think it will be worth it.

Best Actress Award

Many times that I’ve said to someone that I was nervous, he or she has said, “I had no idea! You looked so calm.”

I think a lot of people with anxiety hide it well. We have our internal symptoms, but on the surface we may seem cool and collected.

I used to see anxiety as a stigma. Now I find it tad easier to deal with if I let people know that I’m anxious.

How do you deal with anxiety? Do you lay all your cards out on the table, or do you keep it hidden?